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Brandonn Calrissian “Subtle Contortions”

March 28, 2013

Written by: Jasen Ribadenera

Brandonn Calrissian

“Subtle Contortions”

 

The menacing emails started late last month. The first one read simply, “blood.” I didn’t recognize the sender so I casually disregarded it as a mistake. Why wouldn’t I? I’m a fairly kind and respectful person. Always willing to spread joy and positivity. I pay my taxes and grin just as much as the next guy so why should I suspect that someone would have a vendetta against me? I went about my day carefree and as always, light on my feet.

Waking up early next morning I ran to my computer as usual and logged into my Hotmail and that’s when I felt the bile rise. Staring back at me from my 26” screen was another email from this Brandonn Calrissian guy. In all caps the subject read “SIRHAN SIRHAN.” I laughed and opened the message and was shocked to find the script to the pilot episode of Small Wonder copied verbatim, waiting within. “Thanks” I thought as I copy and pasted it to the “personal files” file on my desktop. “This dude’s alright” I figured as I proceeded to cook a healthy breakfast before my spin class.

This is where things took a high pitch skidding turn. At least once a day since then I’ve received threatening emails and strongly worded Facebook private messages blaming me for everything from the failed Romney campaign to Pitchfork.com and I’m seriously at my wits end here. It was funny and amusing at first but now it’s scary and disturbing. Last night I received a text message containing a heavily filtered picture of my front door.

Look Brandonn, I don’t know why Cougartown is renewed for another season and frankly I don’t give a fuck. I’m just tired of being the target for yr shadowy vengence. Leave me the hell alone!!!

That being said I really dig yr the demo tape you left on my windowsill. The song “Subtle Contortions” rules! If you have more music you know where I live, I’ll be happy to listen. Just don’t spit inside the tape case next time cuz it fucks with the sound of the cassette.

 

Talk soon man,

Jasen Ribadenera

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